Choosing Clarity and Holding Myself Accountable

I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to start over.

Not in a dramatic, life-changing movie moment kind of way. More in the quiet way. The kind of starting over that happens when you finally admit to yourself that something has to change.

So here I am.

I’m choosing clarity for my mental health. And I’m writing this because I want to hold myself accountable. I’m telling all of you who are actually going to read this because saying it out loud makes it real. It makes it harder to back out later and pretend I never said it.

Right now, I’m 8 days sober. I know that isn’t a long time, but it is the beginning of something I’ve needed for a while.

I Didn’t Drink Every Day, But It Was Still a Problem

I didn’t drink every day. That’s something I used to use as proof that I was fine.

But when I did drink, I binged. I drank fast, I drank too much, and I drank until I blacked out.

That’s what made it dangerous.

It was never just one or two drinks. It was drinking until I didn’t feel anymore. Drinking until I couldn’t remember. Drinking until I wasn’t myself.

Then I’d wake up the next day anxious, sick, and embarrassed, trying to piece together what I said, what I did, and what I needed to apologize for. The cycle was always the same: drunk, hungover, regretful.

And I’m tired of it.

Drinking and BPD Is a Dangerous Combination

Alcohol and BPD do not mix. At least not for me.

With BPD, emotions already feel intense. Everything feels bigger, heavier, and more urgent than it should. Alcohol didn’t calm that down. It made it worse.

It made me more impulsive. It made my reactions stronger. It made my anxiety worse. It made my emotions harder to control. And it made the shame the next day almost unbearable.

I wasn’t drinking because I loved alcohol. I was drinking because I didn’t know how to sit with my feelings.

I Used Alcohol to Mask What I Didn’t Want to Feel

I drank to numb things.

I drank when I felt lonely. I drank when I felt rejected. I drank when I felt empty. I drank when I felt like too much. I drank when I didn’t want to feel anything at all.

It was an escape. It was the fastest way to shut my brain off for a few hours.

But the feelings always came back the next day, and they came back louder.

8 Days Sober and I Got Through My First Weekend

This weekend was a big deal for me because I proved I can still live my life without being drunk.

On Friday night, I went out dancing completely sober. I still had fun. I still laughed. I still felt confident. I was present.

On Saturday, I went to a cocktail-making class and made mocktails instead. I didn’t feel left out. I didn’t feel weird. I actually felt proud of myself.

And I still enjoyed the Super Bowl without drinking.

The best part was waking up without a hangover. No anxiety. No regret. No shame. No trying to piece together the night.

Just peace.

What’s Helping Me Stay Focused

One of the biggest things helping me right now is reading Quit Like a Woman by Holly Whitaker.

It has helped me shift my mindset and stop romanticizing alcohol. It reminded me that drinking is so normalized, especially socially, that it’s easy to ignore how damaging it can actually be.

For me, alcohol wasn’t casual. It wasn’t harmless. It was a coping mechanism.

And I’m done using it as one.

Choosing Clarity for My Mental Health

This isn’t about perfection. This isn’t about never having fun again.

This is about me choosing my mental health and giving myself a real chance to heal.

I don’t know where this journey will take me, but I’m proud of myself for starting. Eight days sober is not everything, but it is something. It is a decision I’m making for myself.

I’ll go into more detail if and when I hit one month sober, and I hope I do.

For now, I’m taking it day by day. And I’m staying.

-D