Green Flags and Red Flags in Dating with BPD (and Just Being a Girl)

Dating with Borderline Personality Disorder means I don’t take emotional safety lightly. I feel everything deeply—from the first date jitters to the fear of abandonment after a slightly delayed text. But I’m not broken. I just need something real—someone solid, someone soft, someone who doesn’t flinch at my depth.

Some of my green flags are rooted in trauma work. Some are grounded in the basics of what every human deserves. And others? They're just preferences. Because yes, I’m emotionally intense—but I’m also just a girl who doesn’t want to date a guy with a face tattoo.

💚 Green Flags

What I’m looking for, beyond the bare minimum

1. He’s taller than me.
No deep psychological reason. Just a girl who likes to feel tiny in a hoodie hug. Sue me.

2. He’s somewhat active.
Eric runs marathons. I run my mouth. We balance each other. I love a guy who moves his body—but I’m not training for anything except emotional regulation.

3. He respects my emotions without trying to fix them.
“Wow, that makes sense” is my kink. I don’t need fixing—I need witnessing. Sit with me in the mess. That’s intimacy.

4. He makes me feel safe, not scared.
The world already makes me doubt myself. I need a partner who is my safety net, not someone I need to walk on eggshells around. If I can come to him crying and he says, “We’re okay,” I’m halfway in love.

5. He doesn’t weaponize my diagnosis.
BPD isn’t a punchline or a weapon in a fight. He sees my symptoms as something I manage, not as an excuse to be cruel. He learns my triggers—not to walk around them, but to meet me in them.

6. He shares my values.
Big on emotional depth, honesty, empathy, and mutual growth. We don’t need to have the same Spotify Wrapped, but we do need to want the same kind of life.

7. He doesn’t have kids.
I want to build something from scratch. A life we get to create together—not step into someone else’s already-built home.

8. He’s emotionally available.
If he can say, “That hurt me,” instead of sulking, ghosting, or shutting down—huge win. Emotional availability is sexy.

9. He’s consistent.
I don’t care about fancy gestures—I care about showing up. If he texts when he says he will, follows through on plans, and doesn’t make me question where I stand, he’s everything.

10. He takes accountability.
Mistakes happen. But how he responds to conflict matters more than avoiding it. “I didn’t mean to” doesn’t heal. “I’m sorry, I hear you” does.

🚩Red Flags

Hard no’s, based on history and heartbreak

1. He’s abusive or cruel toward women.
Verbal, emotional, physical—no. The moment I sense entitlement, control, or misogyny wrapped in charm? I’m out. My nervous system can’t afford to be in fight-or-flight around the person I love.

2. He treats me negatively or criticizes me constantly.
There’s a difference between honesty and cruelty. I’ve lived in relationships where I always felt wrong—too emotional, too needy, too much. I will never go back there.

3. He’s a mama’s boy (in the worst way).
Respecting your mom? Beautiful. Needing her approval to function in your adult relationship? No thank you. I’m not in a throuple with your mother.

4. He has a face tattoo.
Superficial? Yes. But I like eyes, not ink, to be the first thing I notice. This one’s just my flavor. No shade. Just no thanks.

5. He can’t regulate his emotions.
If he screams, storms out, punches walls, or shuts down completely anytime things get hard—that’s not passion. That’s emotional immaturity. And it makes my abandonment wounds scream.

6. He thinks therapy is stupid.
If he mocks self-awareness, emotional work, or mental health? He’s not ready for someone who’s doing all of that daily.

7. He’s inconsistent.
Hot and cold behavior isn’t mystery—it’s instability. If I’m always guessing how he feels, I start spiraling. And I deserve better than a guessing game.

8. He has no curiosity about emotions.
If he’s allergic to talking about feelings, if everything emotional gets labeled “dramatic,” if he shuts down when I open up? I’m done before we begin.

9. He guilt-trips or gaslights.
My brain already battles shame and self-doubt. If you make me feel crazy for being hurt, or manipulate me into apologizing for things you did—goodbye.

10. He punishes me for needing reassurance.
BPD can mean needing reminders: “We’re okay. You’re not too much. I still care.” If he makes me feel clingy or annoying for that? He’s not my person.

Final Thoughts

I’m not asking for perfection. I’m asking for emotional safety, shared values, and a partner who sees my intensity as a gift, not a flaw. Dating with BPD doesn’t make me unlovable—it makes me self-aware, passionate, and deeply loyal.

I want love that feels like exhale. Like trust. Like “we’re in this.” And yeah—ideally, he’s taller than me and doesn’t have a face tattoo. Some things are just taste.