Starting Again

I haven’t been to therapy in over a year, and if I’m being honest, that’s something I’ve carried a lot of shame about.

Around October/November 2024, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Not long after that, on my birthday in December, I had a mental breakdown while I was drinking and even asked for a higher level of care. But when I sobered up, I didn’t follow through. I also stopped going to therapy around that time. I think part of me wanted to believe I could handle everything on my own, or maybe I just didn’t want to face how much I was struggling.

In January 2025, I started an antipsychotic medication, and it honestly helped a lot. I feel like I have more clarity now. I can think more clearly, I have better awareness of my emotions, and I’m not as easily overwhelmed by my triggers. Mentally, I’ve made progress.

But behavior-wise, it hasn’t fully caught up.

Even with that stability, I’ve still struggled with impulsive decisions, especially when it comes to substance use. Alcohol and stimulants became a bigger issue than I wanted to admit. A lot of it tied back to the same patterns: boredom, restlessness, loneliness, and this constant urge to escape or feel something more intense.

Plot twist: I’m not perfect.

I’m someone who struggles with sitting still. Someone who feels uncomfortable in calm moments. Someone who has used chaos, substances, and impulsive choices as a way to cope. And avoiding therapy didn’t fix any of that. It just gave those patterns more space to continue.

But something is different now.

Right now, I’m 22 days sober from alcohol and stimulants. And I’m proud of that. Lately, mocktails have been bringing me back to life in a small but meaningful way. At the same time, I know sobriety isn’t just about stopping. It is about learning how to actually live without constantly reaching for an escape.

That’s why I’m going back to therapy. I start again on Friday.

And yes, it’s scary. There is still a part of me that feels like I should have done this sooner or that I should not have stopped in the first place. But real growth does not look like perfection. It looks like starting again, even when it is uncomfortable.

This time, I’m going in with intention. I want help maintaining sobriety, managing impulsive behaviors, and continuing to build emotional regulation. I want my actions to start aligning with the mindset I have been working so hard to build. I want to learn how to sit with boredom and loneliness without escaping them. I want to feel good in ways that actually last.

I do not want to keep chasing chaos just to feel something.

I want peace. I want stability. I want to feel at ease in my own life.

So no, I am not perfect.

But I am starting again. And this time, I am ready to do the work.

Cheers to starting again.

-D