The Borderline Between Us

August 27 – 3:27 p.m.

Well, let’s give this whole therapeutic writing thing a try, shall we? Honestly, I’m not even sure where to start—which, I guess, is pretty on-brand for where I am in this whole “healing journey.”

I just turned 29 and am in therapy to address some anxiety and depressive symptoms. Most days, I’m overwhelmed by sadness, irritability, and this nagging fear of abandonment. It’s not just emotional—it hits my body too: racing heart, muscle tension, and these weird out-of-body moments, like I’m hovering above myself watching it all unfold.

Part of me wants to believe this is just what it means to be a woman in her 20s. But Eleanor—my therapist—seems to think it might stem from some kind of trauma. She’s started me on an antidepressant and suggested I try journaling. So… here I am.

What do I hope to achieve with this? That’s simple – peace and quiet. Peace in my own mind which feels like living inside a house with no walls. Every gust of wind is a hurricane, every knock at the door feels like a break-in. Emotions pour in uninvited – too loud, too fast, too much – and there’s no shelter from them. You try and rearrange the furniture, tape up the windows, light candles for comfort, but the storm always finds a way in. Some days you are the flood. Some days you are the wreckage left behind. I just want the calm. The peace. The quiet.

Throughout my 20s, I didn’t think twice about letting men use me for a quick orgasm. I craved the feeling of being wanted—lusted after, needed, consumed. I was caught in a cycle: swipe right, match, meet, fuck. Over and over. I ignored whatever “boundaries” I claimed to have—not because they didn’t matter, but because being chosen, even momentarily, felt like it mattered more.

Now, as I start to unpack the why, Eleanor wants me to reflect on some of the men I’ve slept with—to connect the dots between those encounters and the symptoms I’m experiencing now.

So, let’s dive in.

But first, let me be clear: this isn’t a journal about men. It’s about what I was trying to heal through them.