Not Where I Thought My Life Would Be at 31, And I’m Grateful for That

If you had asked me at sixteen where I’d be at thirty-one, I would have painted you the full fairytale: the wedding, the kids, the house in the town I grew up in, complete with a white picket fence and the echoes of the life my parents lived. That was the dream I clung to so tightly that I practically tried to force it into existence. I mean, I even forced an engagement, for crying out loud. I wrote for years about wanting that version of life, right up until the moment I turned thirty.

And then everything changed.

When I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, my entire world shifted. The statistics alone were sobering. Five to ten percent of people with BPD die by suicide. That number hit me in a place I can’t fully put into words. But instead of spiraling, it became the push I needed to choose life, to truly choose it. To live fully, loudly, selfishly, and intentionally. To make my world mine.

And that’s exactly what I’ve been doing.

Today, I share an apartment in Philadelphia with my boyfriend, a life built on actual communication, boundaries, and mutual joy, not on expectations or pressure. I love that I don’t have kids right now. No shade at all, I adore my nieces and nephews. I love spending my money exactly how I want to. Yes, sometimes selfishly. I love my dog, my little bestie who makes even the quiet days feel warm. I love exploring who I am, what I want, what I need, and what kind of life actually feels like mine.

I’m doing life on behalf of me, for me. Something I didn’t always think I was allowed to do.

My life is not where I thought it would be at 31. But it’s also not where it would have been if I had gone through with the wedding. It’s not where it would be if I hadn’t walked away after being cheated on. It’s not where I expected to be when I first heard the words “borderline personality disorder.”

And yet, I’m so deeply grateful for where I am. And even more excited for where I’m going.

The fairytale I once imagined was someone else’s script. This life, this messy, beautiful, evolving life, is mine.

And I love it.

-D