Saturday Sillies: That Time a Cramp Nearly Ended My Dating Life

Let’s set the scene: soft lighting, good vibes, candles flickering like we were in a rom-com instead of his childhood bedroom (yes, red flag #1 but I was optimistic). We’d been flirting for weeks, had a couple of great dates, and things were finally heating up. Clothes off, inhibitions down, and the kind of tension that could make a Taylor Swift bridge jealous.

And then… it happened.

Mid-deed. Mid-motion. MID-MAGIC.

My leg locked up in a cramp from hell. Like, not a “hehe oops!” kind of cramp. No. This was full-on body betrayal. Think Charlie horse meets exorcism. I screamed like I’d been shot—panicked, high-pitched, utterly unsexy.

I tried to untangle myself and roll out of bed with the grace of a haunted marionette. He looked frozen in fear. I was gripping my thigh like it owed me money, yelling "IT’S A CRAMP!" between gasps of pain and horror.

Then—knock knock knock—his parents were at the door.

His. Parents.
At. The. Door.

"Is everything okay?!"
"Should we call 911?!"

He threw on boxers in .2 seconds and I wrapped myself in the nearest sheet, trying to sound casual like I hadn’t just screamed bloody murder mid-sex in their suburban home.

“Just a cramp!” I squeaked, clearly lying.

They shuffled away. We stared at each other. And then… we burst out laughing.

I eventually regained function of my leg and my dignity (somewhat). We never fully recovered from the incident, but at least I got a hilarious story—and a new fear of potassium deficiency.

So yeah, dating is cute until your hamstring decides to sabotage your entire sex life.

Moral of the story: Stretch first. Always.

—D.