The Day Facebook Dating Sent me Straight to Diaper Therapy
You know how people always say “you have to kiss a few frogs”? Well, apparently I matched with Kermit… in a diaper. Let me set the scene.
I was deep in the trenches of modern dating and, against my better judgement (and possible better mental health), I downloaded Facebook Dating. I know. Bottom of the barrel. The literal Dollar Tree of dating apps. But hope is a disease and I was infected, okay?
So I matched with this guy - let’s call him - Baby Jake - and on the surface, he seemed like a normal, functional adult human man. Cute, into sports, texting me back within an appropriate window of time. I was cautiously optimistic.
And then came the text.
“Before we meet, there’s one important thing I need to tell you.”
Immediately, my brain went into a full-blown emergency simulation. I mentally rolled the dice of red flags:
Gay and using me as a cover?
Married with triplets and a golden doodle?
Secretly lives in his mother’s basement streaming conspiracy theories?
Wrong. So, so wrong.
He was into dressing up like a baby. Like, full-blown diapers, baby tees, pacifiers. In public. And the cherry on this Pampers-scented sundae? He wanted me to also wear a diaper. In solidarity, I guess?
But wait, it gets better, (or worse, depending on your blood pressure). He asked me to shame him on dates. Like, in a bar, if he asked for another drink, I was supposed to respond with:
“Are you sure? You don’t want to wet your diaper.”
Now, listen. I am a proud supporter of kink positivity. Consensual weirdness? Love that for people. You want to be a furry astronaut roleplaying as a toaster oven on Mars? Slay. But this… this was a scene out of my personal hell.
I honestly didn’t know whether I was intrigued, horrified, or just bored enough to keep the conversation going. But curiosity quickly died when he sent me the picture — unprompted — of himself at a bar wearing a diaper, baby tee, and a full-grown man binky in his mouth.
At that point, I threw my phone, saged my bedroom, and re-downloaded Hinge like the basic bitch I am.
Moral of the story: Facebook Dating is not the move. And if a man ever prefaces something with “I have one important thing to share,” just run. Or, at the very least, hide your pacifiers.
Love and (adult) beverages,
Devon, Survivor of Baby Jake
