The Love/Hate Relationship I Have With Fall

Fall is such a complicated season for me. On one hand, it’s filled with so many of my favorite things. Soup simmering on the stove, a pot of chili that makes the whole house smell like comfort, football Sundays with all the snacks spread out on the table. I love the crispness in the air, the kind that makes you reach for a hoodie in the morning. The decorations, the pumpkins, the candles, the warm colors, and of course, the way the leaves fall like confetti from the sky. It’s cozy, it’s beautiful, it feels like a reset in so many ways.

But then there’s the other side of fall. The side I don’t romanticize. The way my mood always seems to dip right when the season shifts. I don’t know if I fully believe in seasonal depression as an official label, but I can’t deny that something about fall makes my depression feel heavier. The days get shorter, the evenings darker, and my energy feels like it drains quicker. This week especially has been hard. The weather has been perfect for fall, but terrible for my mental health. It’s gloomy, dark, and rainy—great for cozying up with football (go Birds!) but not so great for my headspace.

And if I’m being honest, life itself feels weird right now too. On paper, things are good: my relationship is solid, I have amazing friends and family, and I love my job. But I’m just… not happy. And that’s okay. Eleanor, my therapist, taught me how important it is to sit with my feelings instead of pushing them down, so that’s what I’m doing. Sitting, feeling, and writing it out here.

Part of my heaviness lately comes from the reality of where I’m at in life. I live between two states—NJ and PA—spending about 5–6 days a week in Philly, and then a couple nights back home with my parents in Jersey. This is not where I pictured myself at 30. Sometimes I really struggle with that. I do love my job, the company I work for, the populations we serve, and the teams I’ve built. But I can also feel myself burning out. I’m in this weird in-between space where I’m not sure what’s next or where I want to go from here.

So today? I gave myself permission to take a mental health day. I needed it. This morning, I got some cuddles in with Penny, threw in a load of laundry, worked out, and went for a walk. Right now I’m sitting in my favorite café in Philly writing this out. When I’m done, I’ll chip away at my book, head home to walk Penny girl again, finish some laundry, and do some cleaning. Small things, but they keep my mind busy and give me little wins throughout the day. Tonight when Eric gets home, we’ll grab the Thursday burger of the month at a local brewery and binge-watch Wednesday. It’s not glamorous, but it’s exactly what my body and brain needed.

I’m grateful that I have a supervisor and leadership team who encourage us to actually take our mental health seriously. Days like this are a reminder that self-care isn’t selfish—it’s necessary.

So, all in all, this is me saying that I love fall, but it also brings out my depression. Sometimes that means I need to hit pause, take a mental health day, and do things that fill my cup. And that’s okay. It’s okay to sit with your feelings. It’s okay to slow down. And it’s always okay to take care of yourself. Because you—you are important.